


Yellow Days

by msmadeline_clancy



Series: Ked Universes [14]
Category: Ghost Whisperer
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst and Tragedy, Anxiety, Child Death, Depression, F/M, Falling Apart, Stillbirth, Temporary Separation, marriage problems
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:54:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28126467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/msmadeline_clancy/pseuds/msmadeline_clancy
Summary: AU. What if Katie and Ned separated after Charlie?
Relationships: Katherine Clancy/Ned Banks
Series: Ked Universes [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/465010





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Meowser_Clancy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meowser_Clancy/gifts).



**A/N: Hi guys! So this year has been crazy and it's so strange to think we are less than twenty days from the end of 2020. Anyway, throughout this year I have been trying to challenge myself to take my writing to new levels, especially with past works of mine. That's where this idea was born! :) Enjoy xx Mariah**

* * *

Life went on as normal outside. The shops were open, the streets bustled with traffic, and everyone went about their business. It was as if nothing happened. As if her life had not ended. As if her heart had not been shattered.

Katie shouldn't be surprised, she supposed. Life did go on as it always had for everyone except for her and her husband. But just as outside the window the world lived on, within the four walls of their house everything had stopped.

Their little home should be full of soft whimpering, strange smells, and unfamiliar sounds. It should be full of slowly deflating balloons and colorful, happy clutter, and full of love and happiness. There was none of that though. Nothing in the hall, nothing in the rooms, and nothing in her heart.

Their house was empty, emptier than it had ever been, since that horrible night where everything went wrong. Where instead of giving birth, her body denied life to the child she carried in her womb for nearly seven months.

She had been bedridden for days with abdominal pain, but her doctor hadn't been worried when she or Ned called him, and neither had her father when he started checking on her daily after Katie started to get more anxious.

"Your blood pressure's a bit low, but otherwise a little spotting and abdominal pain are both common in your last trimester," Jim told her, putting away the few things he'd brought with to examine her.

Her mother stood behind him. "I had pain everywhere with all of you. It's normal." Melinda tried to reassure her, her smile soft and warming like always.

"Keep her in bed as much as you can and keep an eye on her blood pressure." Jim set the handheld pump he'd used to check it before on the nightstand as he spoke to her husband. "Usually, it's high that we should worry about, but it should even out."

"Is there anything else? Maybe I should call the OBGYN?" Ned asked. He had been sitting next to her, looking as anxious as he'd been before he took his SATs.

"If the pain gets worse then yes, but I would hold off for now." Jim had stepped around the bed to talk to Ned more privately, but she could still hear them. "It will only cause more stress on Katie if she's worrying about test results or for a phone call from the doctor." Her father turned back toward her. "I'll come to check on you in the morning though before I go to work, bug, I promise."

She had believed him and stayed in bed, but it had only gotten worse and they decided to go into the hospital just to be safe. Not long after Ned had gone downstairs to turn the car on, Katie had collapsed onto the bedroom floor after putting clothes on.

He came into the room and found her lying unconscious in a pool of blood. "Baby, please wake up," Ned begged, tears springing from his eyes as he felt for a pulse. "Can you hear me? Katie?"

There was one, but it was weak. He moved her to her side, to keep her airway from being obstructed and fished out his phone. He tried to call someone, anyone. Jim. Melinda. Delia. But no one answered. He thought about calling 911 and waiting for an ambulance, but that would take too long.

He brought her to the car then and carefully set her down on the passenger seat. He buckled her in and kissed her cheek, looking down as his hand came to cradle her stomach. Her hand ran through his hair and he looked up to see her barely awake as she blinked her eyes.

"Oh, Katie," he let out a sigh of relief to see her eyes opened again and stood up too quickly, nearly hitting his head but then he moved out of the way in time so he could kiss her forehead. "Are you okay? How do you feel? Can you hear me?"

"Too many questions..." she whispered, her voice weak. "What happened?"

"You were unconscious," he told her, his eyes and face wet with tears. "I was so worried about you… I thought… I thought the worst." He kissed her, the only thing he could think to do. She touched his face, smiling as she pulled back. "I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm here and I love you."

"I love you too," she whispered. "We need to go."

He agreed and closed the door before rushing back to lock the house up and get into the car.

She had been awake for most of the car ride until her abdominal pain became too much. One second she was squeezing his hand, whimpering about how much the pain hurt, and the next she'd gone limp in the seat again.

He drove over the speed limit the rest of the way, not giving a single damn in the world and quickly parking. There was hardly a moment's hesitation before he was carrying his wife through the automatic doors that lead into the trauma center, his pulse spiking higher as he ran faster.

"I need help! My wife needs help!" He yelled, trying to get anyone's attention. Several nurses flocked to him, one pushed out a gurney. He quickly started to explain the situation the best he could. "My wife, she's twenty-seven weeks pregnant. She started bleeding in the shower and said there hasn't been much movement today. She's been in pain for the past few days but had been on bed rest until now, and was in and out of consciousness the entire drive here."

"What's your wife's name, sir?" One nurse asked as they all helped him set her on the gurney carefully before they started pushing it down the hallway. Ned reached for her hand and squeezed it, but was soon blocked by the nurse asking him questions. "And her date of birth?"

He didn't want to leave her alone. Not during this moment. Not when both Katie and their child were in danger.

"Katie… uh Katherine… my wife's name is Katherine Banks," he told her after a moment, but his mind was moving too fast. "She was born on July 17th, 2003."

"And her due date?" The nurse asked, typing this into the chart on her tablet.

"April 12th," he said, remembering that it was only January. It was too early. Far too early.

"I see," the nurse replied and placed her hand on his shoulder. "We'll try our best to save both, we always do, but the mother will have a higher priority."

He knew what his wife would want him to say. To save the baby over her. To do everything to save that little human that grew inside her for the past seven months. But Ned's selfish and he wasn't Katie.

"Save the baby if you can. Do everything," he whispered as he watched them bring his wife into an ICU trauma room. "But not at the cost of my wife's life. Please let me come into the room. I want to be with her and I won't be in your way."

"We can't allow you in there until she's stable. It's too hectic in there. Someone will come and get you once everything has calmed down a bit," the nurse explained, pointing to the waiting area. "I'm sorry you're going through this alone. Is there someone you can call? What's your name, sir?"

"I'm Ned. Ned Banks… and Katie… her father is the chief of this hospital. Jim Clancy. He wasn't answering any of my phone calls earlier and now my phone is dead." He explained, tapping his phone screen as it went dark. He shoved it in his pocket. "We left everything else in the house in a hurry. Can you make sure he knows?"

"I'll page Dr. Clancy and I'll try and bring you information when I can. There is a phone at the desk you can use, but if you want to wait a bit the waiting room is just over there," the nurse said, pointing him to the waiting room nearby.

He sat down on the metal chairs near the room, his head falling into his hands as he waited. It couldn't have been more than twenty minutes before Jim came running in. He barked out orders and people moved out of his way as he ran down the hallway. Melinda came in next with Mackenzie who had a McDonald's bag in hand.

"Ned," Melinda came to him first, sitting next to him. "What happened? Why didn't you call?"

"I tried. It just kept going to voicemail and then they said she wasn't stable… I couldn't think," he whispered, blankly staring at her. He didn't know how to focus, but Mackenzie was holding out a burger.

"Mackenzie, give him space. Don't just shove food in his face," Melinda said, moving her out of her way and then hugging him. "Sorry about her."

"It's okay," he said, feeling tears prick his eyes and he let himself relax just a bit in Katie's mother's arms. Melinda had always had a special place in his heart and did give the best hugs in a time of crisis.

"Sorry, Ned. I thought it would help," Mackenzie rolled her eyes before turning to Ned as she unwrapped the food for herself. "I eat in a crisis. You sure you don't want one?"

The only thing Ned could focus on was the braid of Mackenzie's blonde hair and her eyes. The blue of them and he saw another burger being held out to him. He touched the nail polish on her nails, not realizing it was wet.

"Oh sorry. I was doing that when mom told me. I just ran, followed, and pulled my jacket and shoes on." Mackenzie said, wiping the leftover nail polish on her jeans, shrugging as he took it. "I had to be here, but Aaron stayed to watch Lana. Katie's my best friend even if she's my big sister."

"I guess I could eat," he muttered, hugging her then too when he saw the anxiousness on the teen's face.

She didn't say anything, just gave her mother the bag of food and wrapped her arms around Ned. "I'm scared," the blonde whispered. "She's my big sister."

"I know," he said, pulling back and smiling at her. He hugged her once more as he said, "I tell you as soon as I know what's going on."

"Jim will find out what's going on as soon as possible. You know that Kenz," Melinda reassured them both as she put the bag on the seat next to her. "Your mother said she would be here soon, last I talked to her."

He had wished his mother was here, but ate his burger rather than wallow on it any more. Mackenzie went to sit by Melinda, dishing out her mother's food and beginning to eat her own fries. "This is all my fault. I should've known something was wrong."

"Hey. Look at me," Melinda said, shaking her head. She rubbed his back and tried to reassure him, but it didn't do much. "Come on, Ned, just look at me." He slowly lifted his head up and looked at his mother-in-law. How come she was always so nice to him? She'd always been so nice and the best babysitter. At least that he remembered. "This is not your fault. She had Jim checking on her every day since her complications started. We didn't see this coming."

"How do you know that?" He sighed. "You don't have to say things to make me feel better."

"Katie is my daughter and you are her husband. I will always take care of you both." Melinda squeezed his shoulder and smiled at him. "No matter what."

"Yeah," he said. "I could never thank you for everything you've done."

Melinda shrugged and sat back. "Isn't that the same nurse I saw you with?"

"I think so," he finished his burger then, running his hands through his hair. He stood, going to stand near the ICU room where the nurse was standing with her chart.

"You can see your wife now. A doctor is about to check on the baby now that we have her stabilized." The nurse explained, stepping out. "The chief was just in there. He will be back soon I bet."

He nodded, turning to look in the room. He could barely see Katie through the sea of doctors and nurses tending to her, but the room started to clear, he stepped inside and walked toward her. Katie was awake, lying there with different wires coming in and out of her arms. A doctor was just beginning to perform an ultrasound, waving the wand over her swollen stomach, which had a wired belt wrapped around it to read the heartbeat and any possible contractions.

"Ned," Katie sobbed, grabbing for his hand as he reached the side of the bed "Where have you been?" Once she got a hold of it, she brought it to her mouth and smiled. "I missed you. I wanted you here and I kept asking, but no one was giving me any answers once my dad left."

"I'm so sorry. They wouldn't let me see you," he whispered as he kissed her hair. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Katie. I wanted to be here."

She nodded, smiling at him. "I know. I'm glad you're here," she cried, her arms moving slightly as though she wished she could hold onto him. "I'm so scared, Ned."

"I know, I know," he whispered, cradling her head, touching his face. "I'm here now."

They both turned to look at the blank ultrasound screen as the tech rolled the wand around. The doctor hadn't turned on the one pointed toward them yet. It felt like hours until they finally saw the doctor's hand still on Katie's belly.

Ned watched the disbelief cover the doctor's face, and he knew he didn't want to hear the words she was preparing herself to say to the expectant couple.

The doctor exhaled before she set the wand down and reached for Katie's hand, gripping it tightly. "Your placenta ruptured, that explains the bleeding. Your baby is in distress and we need to act fast." The doctor began to say, squeezing his wife's hand. "I know you wanted to wait as long as we could, but there's only one option and that's to get this baby out of you right now. Okay?"

"Okay," she squeezed the doctor's hand. "How soon is soon?"

"I can give you a moment with your husband while they prep the OR, but then we'll need to take you down." The doctor said, leaving the room. "It's the only way to save the child or the baby will be deprived of oxygen for too long."

She turned to look at him and he lost all strength when he saw the pain in her eyes. His tears spilled as he held her, hugged him, feeling her lips kiss his neck. "I wish you could be there with me," she whispered, kissing his throat next, feeling him jolt at her touch. "I love you."

He placed his hand with hers, kissing her briefly, and they were silent from then on until the doctor and prep team came back to get her. "I'll be right here when you come back and wake up," he reassured her and sat back in the chair as they wheeled her out. "I promise. I love you more than anything."

"Okay. I love you," she said, squeezing her hands against his before she let go once they were out of reach.

"I love you," he repeated again, choking on his words.

He knew he should fill everyone in on what's going on, but he stayed in the chair until Jim, Melinda, and Mack came into the room.

It was more comfortable here and private, and Mackenzie fell asleep on a cot brought in for her and Melinda sat in the comfier lounge chair opposite of his. His mother came eventually when he was trying to get some sleep, but he'd only found himself blinking at the wall.

"How are you doing?" Delia asked.

"How do you think?" He practically snapped, but his mother back off. He could only hope she knew he had too much on his mind to be worrying about.

When the doctor returned an orderly pushed the hospital bed where Katie laid hooked up to machines and unconscious back to where the bed goes. Ned stretched, standing up to walk out into the hallway with the doctor, and waved off Delia from following him.

"Well," he muttered sleepily. "Just give it to me straight doc."

"We were too late," the doctor paused, looking up at him. "I'm so sorry. Your son didn't make it. We did everything."

He had heard every word said, but it didn't register. "Son?" He asked. "My son?" They hadn't known the gender. They'd wanted to wait, and they had a son, and now was dead. "What happened?"

"There was a knot in the umbilical cord that denied the baby oxygen, and it caused a rupture in the placenta. Most likely some time in the last few days. It's very uncommon," the doctor explained. "It was not anyone's fault."

Not anyone's fault. But how? How could this happen to them and not be anyone's fault? How does something like this happen?

"When your wife wakes," the doctor's voice made him stop before he entered the room again, Ned's eyes glancing at his sleeping wife. Katie didn't even know yet. How was he going to tell her? "I thought it would be best for her to hear it from you. Let one of the nurses know and she'll bring your son to you both so you can be with him if you'd like."

He nodded, going back to his chair, pulling it to Katie's side. He felt his world come crashing down. He didn't remember much of what followed, but he went numb. His tears were silent, soaking into her hand and the scratchy sheets of the hospital bed.

Melinda must've come over at some point because he swore he could feel her hug him from behind, her pregnant belly against his back.

Their son had entered the world sleeping on January 19th.

* * *

The weeks that followed their return from the hospital were a routine of silence, tension, and strained cohabitation. Katie refused to answer texts, phone calls, or emails from anyone, and she left it up to Ned to deal with the offers of help and comfort that no one really meant or expected them to accept.

She jumped back into her job as a teacher as soon as she could, working full hours and trying to keep herself busy. She slaved away extra hours at her school to grade papers, trying to ensure that she spent as little time as possible at home in that silence that replaced all that should have been.

Ned had gone back to work soon after she did. At first, he made sure to spend the evenings with her, trying to coax Katie into talking, sharing, or even touching without feeling like two total strangers in the house.

However, after days of trying and being met with her stony reactions, he started taking on his old evening shifts, which meant that at least two or three times a week she did see him except for asleep in bed beside her.

In fact, just as she buried her grief behind an impenetrable wall of coldness, and her husband tried to find solace in prayer. The same person who she used to have to drag with her to mass on Sundays.

She had been the one who was raised going to church, but this had cracked what used to be a strong hold around her faith and somehow Ned seemed to find solace in prayer, while she fought every minute of the day with the constant reminder of her failure.

Every minute of the day she wanted to find a reason for what happened, a culprit, a person to blame. So at first, she blamed her father, even her mother, for telling her not to worry and keeping her at home. She blamed her husband for wanting their son, even though he knew that she was not ready and it wasn't a part of their plan.

It was easier to blame anyone else because the alternative would be to blame herself, and she still did that every day. It was her fault. She should have known something was wrong.

* * *

The world collapsed around her again one evening when she came home from work earlier than usual, and to her great surprise, she heard voices in the kitchen. It's been a while since there was any kind of noise in their house and it jarred her ears, especially since one of the voices was that of her husband, speaking in a tone that seemed far too jaded and lifeless to actually come from him.

"I don't know what to do anymore, I can't reach out to her, she blocked me out completely," she heard him say, his voice breaking with emotion.

"Son, Katie is a strong, proud woman… much like Melinda. She -"

She burst into the kitchen angrily and discovered that the unexpected guest was actually her father. They both stared at her with the guilty looks of two people who were conspiring against her.

"What the hell are you doing here and how dare you talk about our problems to my own father behind my back?" She tossed her purse on the counter and a glare at her dad who recovered himself and matched her glare with a steady look.

"Ned called me," Jim explained calmly. "He has asked for my help because he doesn't know how to reach -"

"Out for me. Yeah, I heard that part," she finished in clipped tones as she turned coldly to Ned, who clutched at the kitchen counter, physically pale. "Thanks for coming dad and I love you, but this is a problem that my husband and I can handle alone."

"That's the problem, I don't think we can handle this alone," Ned interjected quietly. "I don't know what to do, Katie. I don't even know if you even want to be married to me anymore at this point."

She swallowed a lump in her throat and looked away. Why did her father have to be here? Why now? Did he already know all of this from Ned? She may have been miserable, distant, and numb, but the idea of actually leaving Ned would have never crossed her mind and it hadn't.

Katie and Ned had been together for so long that the notion of not loving him was completely inconceivable. She had loved far before they had even become a couple. A childhood crush that bloomed into something much more.

In fact, she hadn't recognized herself in her complete rejection of him but yet cannot help it. Even though he did not pressure her or ask her for sex, even the simplest of touches from him caused her to flinch, and there were some nights where he didn't even try to join her in their bed to sleep anymore.

He was unhappy, and so was she, but she didn't have the strength or the motivation to do anything about it, and the more time passed, the more distant they became from each other.

Since words and physical affection seemed to have no discernible effect on her, Ned had tried to leave her notes at home, telling Katie how much he loved her, how brave or strong she was, and how it killed him to see her reject both him and his love.

His words hurt, the sadness in his eyes hurts, but she did not have the strength to react, to come out of this bubble of numbness that she had wrapped herself in. Because the minute she reached out to her husband was the moment where she would have to deal with the pain of the loss of their child.

She hadn't even gotten to say goodbye to him. She had thought, maybe, with her gift that she would get a glimpse at the boy her son might've become. She'd seen it before in spirits of unborn children, but he never came and she had never seen Charlie except for his tiny dead body wrapped up in a blanket with skin ice cold.

It haunted her, but she had never once thought about leaving him. Had he thought about leaving her?

"I never considered leaving you, Ned. Not once!" She whispered softly with some heat. "How could you ever think that?"

Her father smiled at her gently and it was something that used to make her smile, but she just felt like she wanted to gouge his eyes out. "Katie, the first years of marriage are possibly the hardest. Your mother and I know that better than anyone, and we both have a particular interest in seeing you both grow together through this rough patch," Jim spoke in what he possibly believed was a kind tone, but for her, it grated like chalk on a blackboard. "You know you can call us any time."

"And I would have if I wanted to," she argued sullenly. Somehow Katie suddenly felt the need to be spiteful, even to her father. "I need space. I want to be alone. How hard is that for all of you to fucking understand?" She grabbed her purse and turned to leave. "I'm not going to be cornered by you two. If you want to talk, then do so without me."

"Katiebug, please allow me to help you find some type of resolution with Ned. Being alone right now is not what either of you needs," Jim pleaded and she stared at him in disbelief. Was there something that fogged her father from not being able to take a hint? "The death of your child is a tragedy, but you can learn to find peace again in knowing that your son is -"

"Don't," she whispered, looking back at her dad. She was barely keeping it together at this point, hot angry tears rolling down her cheek. "I know well enough that my son dying was a tragedy."

Ned threw a kitchen towel in the direction of the sink, knocking down a mug onto the floor and shattering it, and making her jump at the sudden noise. "Charlie is not only your child, Katie," he cried angrily. "He was my son too!"

She could physically feel her heart break at the mention of their son's name. Charlie. The baby boy that died inside her.

"He didn't die inside of your body, Ned. It was mine," she whispered, leaning up against the wall nearest to her for support.

The seconds that followed were silent, except for her heavy breathing and that of Ned as he angrily picked up the pieces of the broken mug.

"Katie, Ned, your son is at peace and in a better place, and it is this thought that should be the source of any comfort you might wish to seek from God," Jim spoke instead of her husband, and when her dad tried to comfort her she pulled away from him.

"Please, just don't. Nothing comforts me anymore," she confessed, wiping away more silent tears. "Not even my dreams." She paused, sighing, and then hugged her father the best she could. Part of her ached to even feel the touch, but she bared it for the moment. "Just go, dad. Please. Before I say something I regret."

One more look at her was enough and then he glanced over his shoulder at Ned before he left. "Just call if you need anything, or even just to talk. Your mom misses you, and she blames herself too. Please give her a call bug, for me?"

She nodded, only agreeing because she couldn't live with herself if her mother was blaming herself for something she had no more control over than even she did.

When Jim finally left, she turned to her husband and glared. "You called him? You couldn't call your own mother? You had to call my father?"

Ned bristled and kept his tone as neutral as possible in his reply. "He's been like a father to me my entire life Katie. Of course, I called him. You have shut me out since the moment we came home."

"Every time I look at you I see our dead son," she lashed out rather cruelly. She was beyond caring at this point. It wasn't like Ned was taking her feelings into consideration at this point either. "Is that what you think I wanted?"

"Go to hell, Katie," he yelled back as he walked around her and exited the kitchen to walk to the nursery down the hall. "How do you think I feel?"

"Don't you dare walk away from me!" She shouted as she followed him into the room that should have been their son's.

Katie stopped with a gasp and leaned against the wall as she took the scene in. Ned had left everything unchanged. The crib, the blanket, the teddy bear, the little animal print curtains and yellow walls...everything had remained the same as when she dusted the room a day before she went on bed rest

She and Ned stared at each other for a few seconds, their faces mirroring each other's hurt, sadness, and weariness. Katie breathed deeply and reached out her hand for his. He walked tentatively towards her and from the corner of her eye, she thought she saw something, a flash of light and a little giggle that was so soft it could've been in the wind.

That's when she saw a picture frame on the dresser, showcasing a drawing of a baby, a smiling brown-haired baby with green eyes that she would recognize anywhere. Those were Ned's eyes. Her son's eyes, but it could not be him; how could there be a picture of him when his eyes had never opened?

"What the hell is this?" She whispered and he pulled away from her, looking away. "I asked you a question: what the hell is this?" She cried louder, moving towards the picture frame and grabbing it roughly. This seemed to startle her husband, who glared at her angrily.

"What do you think it is? It's our son," he snapped. "My mother made it. She thought it might… give us peace to look at something happy."

"We have no son, Ned. He's dead," she muttered. She couldn't believe they were even having this conversation. The anger and the pain and the guilt were closing up on her lungs and she heard herself gasping shallow breaths as she tried to keep from falling apart. "I never even saw his spirit. Not once. He was just… gone."

"Charlie will always be our son, whether you want to admit it or not," he replied angrily.

She couldn't look at her son's fake eyes anymore, and she didn't want to see the accusing stare that she was sure Ned was throwing at her. She avoided looking at him and threw the frame to the floor, wincing as the sound of glass breaking reverberated around the room.

"There is no Charlie! HE DIED INSIDE OF ME," she screamed in finality. And in the seconds of silence that follows her actions, she took a look at her husband's face, a good look at it, for the first time since they lost their child. He was not accusatory. He was not angry, not sad. He was devastated.

Ned bent down and cradled the frame, removed the picture, and folded it with a tenderness that made her want to double up in pain. "You've gone too far," he finally whispered and walked out of the room. "I'm done, Katie. I'm done."

She did. She did go too far. And she didn't even mean it. Their baby, their son...how could she have slammed the picture of her child to the floor? How could she have denied his existence? Or denied Ned's own pain in losing him?

She reached out to Ned, her tears blinding her as they streamed down her face, but the minute her hand made contact with his arm he shrugged it off angrily. "Ned, please." She gasped tearfully. "Where are you going?"

"Anywhere to get away from you. Fuck this and fuck you for throwing me away for your own grief. I'm done trying to help you when you keep pushing me away," he told her in a cold, final tone that was not his own. He had never spoken so coldly to her. Not once. "Have fun wallowing in your own sadness, alone. It's what you wanted, right?"

He left her alone and a few moments later the front door slammed behind him. She heard his car pull out not long after, and she couldn't breathe. And she didn't think she would ever breathe again.

So this was what it felt when the heart hurt so much that it stopped beating.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Here goes nothing... chapter two! Meowser helped me out a bunch with this because she's my lifesaver :) xx Mariah**

* * *

"What happened?! Fuck me, Katie, don't make me call your mom."

She flinched at her best friend's words even though, technically speaking, she had pretty much decided to listen to Hannah's advice even before she, Olivia, and Andrew turned up unannounced this morning. It had been three days since she got out of bed, except to go to the bathroom to retch and to have a sporadic glass of water.

Three days since she bothered to speak to anyone except to call the office at the high school and request a few days of sick leave. Three days since she'd last showered or changed clothes. Three days since she'd functioned as a coherent person. Three days since Ned had walked out on her.

The turn of events following was not entirely clear in her confused and exhausted mind, but her hoarse voice and sore throat seem to be pretty indicative of how much she had yelled and screamed at him. Ned had come back the evening, but Katie had looked at him coldly, trying to cling to some shred of dignity that deep, deep down she knew she still held somewhere. Never had she felt pain as much as this; a stabbing loss laced with such sharp betrayal.

But never had she felt such fury before either, and the hard tone with which she had addressed him seemed to shock him more than the shouting. "Where did you go?" She asked coldly.

"What?" He was playing dumb, as though he hadn't left her alone and said he was done with her.

"I asked you a question," she muttered. "Where the fuck did you go the last three nights Ned?" When he gave no reply, she sat up in bed. "Answer me, damn it."

"Why are you asking me this? I went to my mother's, but she kicked me out this morning and told me I was a terrible husband to leave you alone during a time like this… as though you haven't completely left me in the dark and on my own," he explained, going to his closet to pull out a new shirt to wear. "I wouldn't have come here if I thought you were home. I thought you'd be at work. I didn't want to fight."

"Whatever Ned," she muttered and he looked away from her, at least having the decency to show shame in what happened between them last night. "You made your bed. Now you can lie in it."

"Katie," he whispered. "We're supposed to be a team."

"I don't want to hear it," she rolled her eyes and pulled the covers back over her as she laid down. "You tell me that we're a team, but when I need space you don't listen! You close your ears and ignore me and this... this is exactly why I wasn't talking to you."

"Why is it that you get to run away?" He screamed, his face likely turning red and his tree-trunk neck vein would stick out. "When does it get to be my turn to grieve, Katie? When will you take care of me?" His words were spat out with the ferocity and rapidity of machine gunfire. "I lost just as much as you have. I had to sit alone in a waiting room without knowing if you or our son would make it through the night, and then after except now my wife is gone too. I don't even recognize who you are anymore."

He sat on the edge of the bed and she heard him sigh from under the blanket in order to avoid having to look at him. "I said things… when I was angry and so did you. You know I didn't mean them any more than you meant yours."

She sat up to look at him now, tears rolling down her cheeks. "Our son is dead and he died inside of me, Ned. This is every bit different from what you're going through. I said what I said and I don't take it back."

"Do you really think I don't know that?" Ned asked, shaking his head. "Do you think I haven't been trying to get you to see that since day one? I know it's not the damn same but fuck, Katie. He was my son too."

Katie felt completely numb inside, and she turned away from him. She knew that that had been his attempt to repair things and that she could stop all of this right now if she just let him back in. She could wrap her arms around his neck and kiss him and let everything that happened last night be in the past, but that wasn't what she wanted.

It wasn't that simple. Nothing ever was.

"I don't ever want to go through this again," she said, her voice so cold it might have scared her normally.

Ned swore behind her. "Katie, this isn't something you can avoid," he said. "Life doesn't work like that."

"I don't think you understand what I'm saying," she said. "I want you to leave. Just like you did last night. It was so easy for you, and now I want you to stay away. I don't want you here."

He was silent. "I don't think you mean that, Katie."

When he finally spoke, it just made her roll her eyes. She'd truly deadened her heart to anything he had to say. "That's yet another thing you'd be wrong about then," she said. "I'm going out and when I come back, I hope you've cleared out all of your shit because otherwise I'll be doing it for you and letting the whole neighborhood know." She met his eyes as she got out of bed. "And I won't be gentle."

"Where are you going?" Ned asked.

"Don't you even dare even ask me that! You don't have the right to question me," she said and pulled on a sweatshirt over her head.

Katie swept past him and out of the room, her entire body beginning to shake as soon as she shut the door behind her but she kept walking, head held high. She got in her car and started to drive, eyes blind, not even sure where she was going, but before she knew it she had taken the most familiar route to her.

To her parent's house.

She had sat in the driveway for a long time, just sobbing and letting it all out as she screamed into the leather of her steering wheel until Katie saw as the curtains moved and either one of her parents or siblings peeked out to see her car.

She didn't have the courage to go inside yet. She didn't even want to. In all honesty, she had been avoiding it because her mother had gone into labor and had her newest sibling. She hadn't even met her yet and while that hurt, she knew that seeing Melinda with her new motherhood glow would all but break her.

Katie knew she wasn't strong enough, but there was only one thing she knew that would calm her down in any way. A hug from her mom and a cup of tea.

A knock on her car window startled her and she glanced up enough to see Mackenzie peering through the glass at her as her sister knocked again. When Mack continued to knock Katie finally unlocked the doors and she got in on the other side.

"Are you just going to sit out here?" Mackenzie slid into the passenger seat with a huff and pulled the door closed behind her to keep the warmth in.

"Maybe," Katie wiped away tears as they continued to roll down her cheeks. "Why do you care?"

"Because you're my sister. Why wouldn't I?" Mackenzie looked hurt by her words but she didn't react much more than a small crease in her forehead, just like their father.

"Older sister," she corrected her.

Mackenzie just shook her head and then hugged her, despite her trying to push her away. "I'm hugging you, Katie. Stop trying to push me away. I still care about you as much as I do Lana and now Emma. What's wrong?"

She sunk into the hug, holding on tighter than she expected to. "Everything," her voice broke and her sister just continued to hold her, no matter the age difference or even possible differentiating maturity levels. "Everything is wrong, Mack, but I shouldn't get you involved. You're still just a kid."

"Well, mom is waiting for you downstairs if you need to talk to someone. She just said it was too cold outside for her to come out in her robe so I volunteered to make sure you came inside." Mackenzie said and gave her one last squeeze before pulling back from their hug. "But I'm not just a kid anymore."

"Mack you're hardly thirteen," she replied, shutting her car off and getting out of the car at the same time as her. "How's mom doing? I haven't really…"

"Talked to anyone since you left the hospital? Yeah, we realized," Mackenzie answered, sounding a bit annoyed. "You haven't even met Emma yet and she's two weeks old."

Katie's heart pinched. She had tried not to think about that. She had always been a big sister being the eldest child in the family, and the idea of not having met her littlest sibling hurt, but it was too hard. She could hardly listen to Hannah talk about her one-year-old, let alone see a newborn right now.

"I know, but you have no idea what I'm going through right now Mackenzie. You haven't even gotten your first period yet." She told her. "Don't try to think you understand my struggles. You're just a kid."

Mackenzie stopped on the top step of the porch to turn around and face her. "I got it last week. You've missed a lot. Aaron broke his arm too at football, but you would know that if you called." Then her sister walked inside, the door closing behind her.

That was another dig, but she moved past it and went inside. It was surprisingly quiet for there being a two-week-old baby in the house, a three-year-old, and her two older siblings.

Katie shrugged her coat off and was toeing her shoes off when her mom came into the room, and it was like a dam burst open. Every goddamned emotion she'd bunched up inside her came flooding out into a tearful sob into Melinda's shoulder.

Her mother didn't ask for anything or an answer at first. Melinda just hugged her and brought Katie to sit on the couch beside her. "Oh, bug, I don't mean to be that person right now but what's wrong?"

"Mama, he left me," she started off, and then it came out in a jumbled, gasping mess. "Ned. We fought and…and then I broke this fucking fake picture Delia gave him of our son."

"Language," Melinda was only lightly teasing, but she could tell her mother meant it.

"Sorry, but it was just so inconsiderate of her. I freaked out when I saw it. Now is not the time for some fake picture of my baby that I will never get to hold," she muttered, leaning her head into her shaking hands.

"I know baby. I told her not to get it, but Delia never listens to anyone by Delia," Melinda sighed and wrapped her arm around her. "What else happened? What do you mean Ned left you?"

"I guess that's false advertising and I shouldn't say that. I told him to go and that I didn't want to see him at home when I got back, but he left me last night and went to Delia's. I didn't tell him to do that," she was trying to keep it together, but even by controlling her breathing it wasn't easy and tears rolled down her cheeks. "Last night was sort of my fault too, I guess. I broke the picture… he was so mad with me that he told me he was done and that if I wanted to be alone then so be it."

"Hey, stop backtracking," Melinda wiped her tears and moved to kneel in front of her. "And stop blaming yourself for every problem between you and Ned. It takes two to tango in a marriage and you're allowed to make mistakes in the heat of the moment. It's called being human Katie, but that doesn't excuse him from walking out."

"Mom," she sighed, shaking her head.

Melinda raised an eyebrow at her and Katie closed her mouth. "No, I want you to listen to me. You are my daughter and you know that I will always take your side no matter what, but I don't care what you said to him. I could go say the same things to your father if we fought tomorrow and he would never walk out that door even if I begged him to."

"Ned isn't the same person as dad," she sighed. "He never has been."

"Katie, I don't care," Melinda was looking directly at her, holding her hands. "You are Ned's wife and he vowed to be with you for better or for worse. He signed up to wade through problems with you and doesn't get to walk out because you upset him or shut him out. Do you know how many times I did that to your father?"

"That's not fair, mom. Dad literally sets the standard for men." She said, laughing for the first time in a long while.

Melinda laughed with her as she pressed a kiss to her forehead and moved to sit next to her again. "Well Ned should get with the program then, shouldn't he?"

"Where is dad?" Katie asked. "I haven't even heard his voice."

Her mother's hand was soothing as it rubbed her back. It helped even out her breathing "Your dad? He's upstairs so that I can be down here." Melinda told her. "Adult kids matter just as much as newborns, bug."

"Is that why she isn't down here?" She whispered.

Melinda nodded. "I didn't want to overwhelm you. I know how hard that can be."

Katie knew very little about her parent's infertility struggles, but she knew there had been a time when they hadn't thought they would ever have children. Then she came along.

"I feel like a terrible sister. I haven't even met her yet," she sighed.

"Don't feel terrible, bug." Melinda hugged her again. "Emma has three other siblings here with more than enough love to go around until you're ready."

Katie shook her head. "I'm not quite ready for anything yet. I don't think I'm ready to go home to an empty house either."

Melinda pulled out her phone. "How about a picture? I sent this one to your dad when he was at work yesterday."

Katie cradled the phone and smiled. Emma looked like the rest of them did when they were all little, with dark hair and a wrinkly face, but that didn't mean anything considering how Mackenzie's hair had lightened to blonde by the time she was a year old.

She still had time.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Lots more drama and the plot only thickens... Happy New Year! Enjoy xx Mariah**

* * *

The bar was loud. Too loud. People from all over the local area had swarmed for cheap drink specials, swigging alcohol, and sloshing about the place as though they owned it. There were shouts of merriment, there were growls of aggression, and cheers the moment a fight broke out accompanying the smash of glass against the wooden stained floor.

In the darkened corner of a booth, Ned rested his head against the table. Around him rested six or seven glasses, only one of them half-full with some kind of beer. There were a few shot glasses littered around the table too. His clothes were rumpled, his hair unwashed and unbrushed, and his face was unshaven.

It was unlike him in every way, but this week had been too trying for him to care. He couldn't go home and even if he could, Katie would kick him out the second she found out what stupid thing he'd done out of anger, spite, and a bit too much alcohol in his system.

He'd kissed another woman. There was no turning back from it.

"Ned?"

He lifted his head from the table, grunting at the way it swam and his stomach lurched with the sudden movement. Unfocused eyes squinted in the light, barely able to focus on the person who had spoken. It only took him being able to distinguish the suit and voice of Katie's father before he groaned and let his head return to the table with a thud.

"Jim," Ned sighed against the wood, seeming unbothered at being seen in this manner. "How did you find me?"

"Outside, now." When he didn't move, Jim gave him another warning. "I won't ask again, Ned."

Roughly, his shirt was grasped at the shoulder, and he was suddenly forced onto his feet.

Ned gave a surprised yelp as he was dragged, the strength of which was more than alarming, but then he remembered all times he'd worked out with Jim and the impressive workouts that man did as he was unceremoniously shoved out of the door with no more than an irritated huff. The fresh air was both a blessing and a curse.

He inhaled deeply and exhaled too quickly, his stomach giving another traitorous jerk before he found himself hunching over the gutter and throwing up with a whine. "Fucking hell," he groaned and rested his forehead on the cool pavement as he fought to catch his breath.

"You know, I always thought better of you." A rather primal growl came from behind him and his father-in-law was watching him with icy cold eyes. "And when you settled down with Katie and made detective I was proud of the man that you had become, yet now you allow yourself to fall to such a level that you are hardly better than the common drunk that plagues these streets." There was a pause for breath, though Ned knew Jim was far from done lecturing him. "I entrusted you with the task of taking care of and loving my daughter unconditionally, was I incorrect in my judgment of your character? Are you truly not the man I believed you to be? You ought to be ashamed of yourself for leaving-"

"I may have left for a few days and that was... childish, reckless and even selfish or me, but when I came back Katie was the one who told me to pack my things and leave," his voice cracked under the strain, his bloodshot eyes locking with Jim's over his shoulder as the thick tears continually rolled down his cheeks. He raised a trembling hand, running it through his greasy, unwashed hair before grabbing a handful and tugging. "Why should I be ashamed of myself? Let me ask you this, with your smart-ass mouth an'... an' your all-seeing-eye of wisdom. Why wasn't I good enough?" His voice raised to a shout, a choked sob escaping before he could stop it. "Why wasn't I good enough for her to let me in? I wanted to be there for her and at every single point she shut me out. I know that you could never choose me over Katie, but tell me… how did I fail her when I tried to be there for her? She turned me away."

He laid down on the sidewalk and stared up at the sky, just trying to make sense of it all. That somehow just a month ago he'd been an excited and happy expectant father and now his marriage was in shambles and his son was dead.

Tonight he had drunk everything he could until he believed that had never happened and that Katie was happy. That he was back in his place at her side, as it should be. His place was coming back from work to their little one-story house and finding her rocking their son to sleep as she sang to him.

His place was giving her a kiss from behind and watching her whirl around in surprise, yelling and swatting him away from trying to eat whatever she was making for dinner. "Ned, baby, it's not done yet, you've gotta wait! Go watch some sports highlights, please?"

"Katie," he should be whining, trying to sneak one more taste of any delicious meal she'd make him. "I'm starved."

Ned's place was watching her pout in secret satisfaction, warding him off with vehement protests, but still slowly leading him into the kitchen with another kiss before sneaking him one more bite.

His place was looking to his left in bed and seeing her laptop resting on her lap, her eyebrows scrunched together and her fingers flying across the keyboard.

Click-click. Click. Click-click. Click.

There were so many times when he'd pretend to be on his phone or watching TV, but he would always sneak looks at her from the corner of his eye, loving the way her spine curves as she hunched over the keyboard, her beautiful eyes fixed and steady on the screen, her mouth half-open as she became enraptured in her writing.

Ned's place was forgetting he was supposed to be keeping his glances short and clandestine, and eventually getting caught analyzing her. His place was trying to change his face from one of awe to one of innocence.

"You were watching me," she should be saying, resting an elbow on the desk and her head on her elbow.

"What? No. What? I wasn't." He would deflect at all costs, but she knew better.

"You were," she'd say with a smirk, resolutely turning back to her computer and they would leave it at that until she caught him again, studying the graceful length of her nose or jaw or anything and marveling at it. "You're doing it again."

His place was to be snapping his eyes up to the ceiling. "Nope, I wasn't doing anything. I was—"

"You can't lie to me, Ned." She would try to sound serious, but she'd break her gruffness with a sunny grin and throw herself onto him. (But first, she would always close her laptop.)

His place was wrapping an arm around her and feeling the familiar warmth of her body and mouth against his as she pressed into him, hand finding its way to his head and stretching her fingers through his hair. His place was pulling back to hear her whine in protest while staring at her and saying, knowing without a doubt that she'd repeat his words, "I love you."

And her grin would still be there, deepening into a fiercely happier one. "I love you too, Ned, so much."

Instead, Ned laid drunkenly on the pavement outside a bar like some fucking idiot. Whatever he had expected after everything that had happened, it wasn't this. He sobbed, covering his face with his hand as he fought to compose himself.

He felt sick to his stomach, his head hurt and he wanted the pain in his chest to stop, but knew it would be a while before it would. A hand came to rest on his upper back as he turned onto his side, hesitant and light in case the contact wasn't wanted, and made a small circular motion. At first, he only felt confusion, his sobs turning into dreaded hiccups as he realized that Jim was attempting to comfort him.

He tilted his head, looking at the man as though trying to read him. Then, his body moved of its own accord and he embraced Katie's father with no intention of letting go. Jim chuckled as he embraced Ned for a minute or two before pulling back. "Come on kid… it's getting cold out. Let's get you in my truck."

* * *

Ned could hardly remember the journey to wherever Jim was taking him. He sat in the back of his truck while tucked into his side like a rather small child. He kept nodding in and out of consciousness, the alcohol he'd drunk that night catching up with him at last. He couldn't remember being assisted to the front door of the Clancy house and he definitely couldn't remember tucking his head into the man's neck as they stood there on his porch.

"No, no," he tried to say, his words slurring together. "Not here."

"What?" Jim asked as he dug into his pockets for his keys.

Ned shook his head and tried to stand on his own, his body betraying him as he began to sway dangerously. "Katie would kill me," he muttered as he clutched onto the railing. "I can't be here."

"Don't throw up on those rose bushes or my wife will kill you," Jim warned him and there was a pause, the man unable to stifle a chuckle and immediately he heard himself give a sound of… wait, was that amusement?

He couldn't tell at this point what exactly he was feeling besides dread of his wife finding out he drunkenly crashed at her parent's house. "No, no. I can't."

"Trust me, kid, you'll be fine. Katie is the one who suggested that I bring you here." Jim explained to him as he opened the front door. "Can you walk on your own or would you like help?"

As he grabbed hold of Jim's arm again for the support, Ned shook his head and sniffled as emotion welled up in his chest. "Why're you helping me?" He asked, ignoring how difficult it was to say the words. "Katie hates me."

"If you think that you're a fool," Melinda muttered as Jim brought him inside.

Ned looked up in time to see his mother-in-law walk down the staircase and even as she stood nearly a foot shorter than him, he cowered under her gaze. "Hi, Mel." He gulped.

Melinda had that look in her eye as Jim closed the front door and she grabbed his face. It was the same one she had whenever a ghost popped up and ruined something important, only worse because he'd hurt her daughter. Again.

"My daughter was crying on that couch like she was fourteen again over you. So don't hi Mel me and avoid eye contact," she said, talking in a hushed tone because of the time and multiple kids asleep in the house. "I get that you are hurting too and that Katie isn't the best at communicating when she's shut down emotionally, but like I told her you took a vow for better or for worse. You don't just get to walk out when it gets bad."

"But she—"

Ned could see Melinda had the urge to slap him, but she moved her hand after a second thought and a glance at Jim. "I was this close to whacking you upside the head if your mother wouldn't kill me. Your child died inside of her Ned, and as someone who knows what that's like, I don't want to hear about how she made you pack a bag tonight. That was after you walked out and after three days of you staying away," she scoffed and rolled her eyes as she pressed a kiss to Jim's cheek before she turned around to head back upstairs. "What is this a fucking lifetime mini-series? You better be up here soon or so help me, Clancy."

That statement seemed to be the last thing that was said before Jim felt comfortable to bring him into the living room, the slightest pink tinge on the man's cheeks enough to silence Ned's thoughts where they began. "You can sleep here tonight, but beyond that, I don't think you have much of a chance." The man told him before disappearing.

Ned plopped down on the couch without much help while Jim must've gone to the kitchen and fetched a glass of water, even locating a few ibuprofen for the headache he'd have tomorrow.

"Jim?" He called out.

"If you thought I was going to say anything on your behalf to Melinda, think again." Jim handed him the water and then the pills as he knelt near the couch. "You'll have to make it up to her on your own time."

"I know that better than anyone," he said and took a drink of water along with the ibuprofen before relaxing into the couch and pulling the blanket that was hanging over the back on top of him. "But how will I make it up to you?"

"Fix things with my daughter and we'll be just fine," Jim told him as he pulled Ned's shoes off before he could and then made his way out of the living room.

* * *

He didn't remember much beyond that point and when he woke up it was before most of the house, but he smelt coffee brewing in the kitchen. He got up slowly, rubbing his eyes and shedding his winter coat that he'd drunkenly forgot to take off before going to sleep.

The last person Ned had expected to see in the kitchen was Katie.

His wife stood across from Melinda, holding a cup of coffee close to her face and the steam fogged up the lenses of her glasses a little. She didn't always wear them, but usually took to wearing them when her eyes got dry in the winter or whenever they got irritated from her crying too much with her contacts in.

Had she been crying or even worried about him? All of his guilt and emotions from the night before threatened to come forward as he saw her and he went to turn around, but she set down the cup and walked toward him. He hesitated and then she stood clear in front of him, just under his nose like always.

"Wait, I came to talk," Katie said, reaching out to touch his hand briefly before he slid away. "Please?"

He didn't know if he could do this. Not here. "I don't know Katie," he said, briefly sharing a glance with Melinda as he started to back away. "A lot has happened."

"I'll go upstairs to give you two time to talk," Melinda said, pouring a cup of coffee into another mug most likely for Jim and disappearing a moment later.

"That's why we need to talk, Ned." Katie fidgeted with her hands as she inched closer to him. "I'm sorry. I should have never shut you out or said the things I did," she closed her eyes, not having the strength to look at him as she cried. Her tears spilled and her chin trembled, but she held her hand near her mouth to try and hide it. "I'm really sorry Ned."

Neither of them said anything after that.

What could he say? Nothing he could say would equal up to what she was experiencing or make up for what he'd done. And what more could she say? He knew she shouldn't even be apologizing to him, but he let her anyway.

She stayed silent, taking another step forward after a minute, and was now only a few inches from him. "I-I'm so sorry." She whimpered and pulled him in for a hug, tucking her face into his neck. "I should have been there for you and let you comfort me. I love you so much."

He couldn't do this anymore and the minute the tears cleared from her eyes, she pulled back to realize that his arms were not returning her embrace. That as much as he wanted and loved her, his lips were trembling.

"Katie you shouldn't be apologizing to me," he said, wiping away the tears in his eyes. "I betrayed you and our marriage."

She shook her head. "Ned if you mean when you left after our fight... we can work through that and everything else." Katie was finally trying to work with him and this was everything he wanted, but he didn't deserve it.

"No," he whispered. "That's not it."

Ned felt a wave of nausea run through him as he briefly caught a whiff of the cheap rose perfume on his shirt. It was the whole reason he'd gotten plastered the night before because as drunk as he'd been when that girl at the bar kissed him, he kissed her back.

When Katie pulled back to look at him, she looked hurt. "You smell … you smell different," she whispered. "You smell, of someone else." When he looked away, wanting to look at anyone, anything but her, she grabbed his face and made him face her. "Were you with someone last night?"

"Yes, I was... but not like that," he replied, taking hold of her hands. "I-I don't know what to say other than I'm sorry."

She didn't say anything at first or give any sort of emotion that betrayed how she felt and Ned didn't know what to do. He thought if he spoke more that might help, but he didn't have the courage to and instead just waited for Katie to respond.

"What happened?" That was all she asked. "I want to know."

He shook his head. "I don't think you do," he whispered.

She pulled her hands away from him. "I don't care what you think I want to know," she leveled a cold, teary gaze at him. "If you were with another woman I want to know what happened with her. I'm your wife, remember?"

Did she think something else happened? "No! I didn't fuck anyone, I swear on my life. Listen to me, please Katie, I swear!" He tried to keep his voice at a mellow level, but he was starting to get frustrated.

Katie kept her cool but was raging on the inside. He knew that look well enough. He'd gotten it from Melinda the night before. "Do you honestly expect me to believe you? You were out all night and piss drunk at that from what my dad tells me, and now you've admitted to being with another woman. You smell of perfume and now you won't tell me what happened. What else should I think?"

Ned didn't know what to say, but he gave her the best answer he thought would explain it all. "That's not what happened. I was at the bar and I had a few drinks after everything that's happened this week. Some girl sat beside me and she was flirting with me. I bought her a few drinks, but I didn't have sex with her. I was hurt, angry and I drank a lot, but when she kissed me I stopped things before it went any further. I promise, Katie."

She had turned around to look away from him while collecting her thoughts as he spoke. "And how would you feel if I told you that?" She asked, eyes wet as glanced back over at him.

"I-I don't know," he sighed, looking away from her gaze.

Another silent tear escaped. "Yes, you do." She muttered. "After everything... this? This is what you do?"

"Katie-"

"No. I've heard enough of your excuses, Ned." She said, flatly, finally turning back around. "After everything... this is the only thing I can't forgive you for. I came here to talk things through about our fight and to apologize for being selfish and only caring about my pain, and then you confess to being with another woman. One kiss or not I would have never done that to you." She paused as her voice started to crack. He could see how much he'd hurt her. "I want a trial separation... because I can't pretend anymore."

"Okay. I know what I did was wrong, but we can't just give up on our marriage." He tried to reason with her, but he knew this was all his fault and there was nothing he could say to change her mind or stop what he'd done from hurting her. "Will you at least agree to go to marriage counseling? Are you really divorcing me for one drunken mistake? One kiss? I know I fucked up and badly at that, but I've spent the last three years showing how much I love you every minute of every day."

"And now you've stomped on my heart again, just days after I've gotten a little piece of it put back together," she replied with a whisper. "I need time and space away from all of this and from you, and now I have to get to work, but we can talk about some counseling. However, I am going to find a lawyer Ned, and I suggest you do too."


	4. Chapter 4

Katie was in a mood and it was all Ned's fault. She couldn't concentrate on anything but thankfully already had her lessons planned through the month. That got her through until lunch which she ate alone at her desk.

Hannah had texted and even dropped by her classroom, but she hadn't wanted any company. She couldn't stop thinking about Ned or their fight that morning. Let alone forget that he'd told her about making out with some random woman he'd met at the bar.

Was he 18 again?

She couldn't remember a time she'd ever worried about him cheating on her. Not one that lasted longer than a fleeting moment in her subconscious. He may have had his past, but they'd both put that behind them when they started dating.

And now he'd betrayed her after everything.

Katie practically drove her pen into the side of her grading sheet before she tossed it down on the desk with a sigh. She leaned back into her chair and felt tears roll down her cheeks as her eyes drifted to the wooden frame on her desk.

Conveniently her pen had landed in front of it and the picture was of her and Ned at their engagement party. It felt like a lifetime ago when she thought about it, but it had only been two years.

She remembered how happy both of them had been, and the sex. God they were having so much sex and it was a blissful, beautiful time, and she missed it. She wished to go back and forget all that she knew, but it was beyond that now. She could never forget the picture on repeat in her brain.

The one of Ned with another woman.

Katie lunged forward to grab the picture frame and tossed it into the bottom drawer of her desk. She kicked it closed and looked up just in time to see her dad raise his hand to knock on her classroom door.

She quickly wiped away the tears in her eyes. "Hey, what are you doing here?" She asked out of confusion more than anything.

Jim walked over to her desk before she had the chance to stand. "Your brother forgot his lunch so I dropped it off at the front desk and thought I'd check in on you after all that happened this morning." He leaned up against an empty desk near her and sighed. "How are you doing, bug?"

She read right through him though because as much as her father cared, this was her mother's work. It wasn't as though Melinda could just leave the house at any given moment. Emma was still too young for her to be gone for too long.

"You mean after all you and mom overheard?" She asked, her eyebrows raised in question. "Were we really that loud?"

He didn't look any happier about having this conversation than she did, but he shrugged. "Your mom planted a baby monitor. They are very helpful." He replied. "But I asked you a question first, how are you doing?"

Katie rubbed her jaw back and forth worriedly and groaned. She could tell her father wasn't going to drop this. That much was certain by the way he crossed his as and looked at her when she didn't give him an answer at first. "Ned cheated on me. How do you think I'm doing?" She muttered. "I'm just happy today is Friday and that my workday is nearly over."

Jim hesitated for a moment. "Katie, I'm not going to justify what Ned did because nothing excuses his behavior," he said carefully.

Her jaw was firmly set and she glared at him. "With that disclaimer, I'm pretty sure that's exactly what you're going to say. As far as I'm concerned he's betrayed me in nearly every way possible."

Her father moved to kneel before her. "I do not disagree with you, Katie. I'm only saying I've spoken with him. Ned's told me how difficult it's been for both of you and how it feels as though he lost his son and wife in that labor ward."

"And how does what he did solve our problems?" She asked, starting to feel uncomfortable. "It's been difficult for me too. More so over the last five days, but I'm here. I'm not going out, getting drunk, and making out with other men."

Jim stood and sighed. "I could never be against you. You are my flesh and blood, Katie, and there is nothing you could do to ever make me stop loving you. I'm just asking you to think this through," he said calmly, almost like a lecture, but not quite. "Divorce should be the final option and you need to think about everything you would be giving up with Ned if you make that choice. Remember, a marriage is made up of two people."

Even though she was deeply hurt by her father's implication, she mulled over his words in her mind. The moment she started to remember the pain, the days following Charlie's death, and the loneliness of it all, she felt as if her lungs filled with sand and her stomach was all but ready to deliver back the lunch she had eaten earlier. "I know that. I owned up to what mistakes I've made and he confesses to kissing another woman as though we were talking about the weather. How would you feel in my shoes? Or even if you were in his, would you do it?" She asked and all but regretted it immediately, and looked away from his piercing gaze.

Jim sighed. "I just think it would be better to take some time apart before making that final choice to cut ties or asking me about what-if situations," he tried to reason with her but she wasn't listening anymore. "You need to be sure."

Katie rolled her eyes. "Will that assure me of your and Ned's relationship? Will it please mom?" She asked, her anger flaring up. "Is that it?"

"I know that you're in pain, but enough Katherine. I've had enough of this," He scoffed. "I came to give you my opinion and check up on you because you are my daughter, but I rest my case."

She wanted to apologize, but he was already up and walking for the door. "Dad," she called out. "Wait."

Jim glanced over his shoulder, but he didn't smile and he didn't give her a chance to say anything more to him. "Have a good weekend, bug. I love you." He said and pulled the door closed behind him.

Now today definitely wasn't getting any better after that.

* * *

Once her workday was done, Katie packed up the homework she needed to grace over the weekend and locked up her classroom behind her. It had been a long, hard day and usually, that meant going home to Ned. He was off by four and would start dinner in order to have it ready by the time she was home by five, but the last thing she wanted to do was go home to an empty house.

Instead, she picked up Thai food and drove to Rockland University. There was only one person she could think of that would let her wallow right now, and might even know of a good attorney for her to hire with no judgment, unlike her parents.

And that was Rick Payne.

Katie found him at his desk and knocked on her way in. It wasn't like she was a stranger and she held out the Thai food as the aging professor looked up at her.

"Why the sour face?" He chuckled and tossed his glasses onto the desk.

She shrugged and rolled her eyes. "Just take the food before I go charge my medical insurance to talk to Eli," she muttered.

Rick took the bag and pulled out the three containers of food without another word. He moved a stack of papers to the floor as he took another look at her. "Still, why are you here? I know you wouldn't wear that to come and see me," he said and motioned to her pencil skirt and blouse. "Not that I wouldn't be flattered."

She rolled her eyes again and took her food container with a quick, angry arm swipe. He reminded her that she'd worn it for Ned and that was the exact opposite of why she'd come to see him. "No. You don't get to ask that," she muttered. "I don't ask you personal questions." She held her hand out for the chopstick and he gave them to her with a slight huff.

"Fair enough," he sighed. "But still, I only ask because I can tell that you're upset. Why would you come to me unless you've burned all your other bridges? That's not like you, Katie."

Rick opened his food while he waited for an answer that she didn't want to give him. He leaned back into his chair and ate, the same as she did, but didn't break eye contact with her.

"What do you want from me?" She replied with a glare. "I obviously came here because you don't usually ask this many questions, and because I don't want to go home yet."

He nodded, smiling smugly as he ate his food. "Ahh… trouble in paradise then? I know that story like the back of my hand," he muttered. "It happened to me in my own marriage. Though it happened a lot slower apparently."

She ignored his snarky comment the best she could. "So you know a good divorce attorney then?" She asked offhandedly as she dug her chopsticks into her food.

Rick's face spoke volumes of judgment as he stared at her from behind his desk. "I do know a few good ones, but I hope I heard that wrong. Your mom is supposed to be the sweet one, but you're supposed to be the clever one. Or have you lost that now too?"

Katie couldn't ignore him anymore and nearly got up and left but hesitated. She set her food down on his desk angrily, feeling the bile rising up in her throat as she thought about it. "Ned cheated on me. Leave me alone," she hissed through her teeth.

The professor leaned forward this time with his eyes narrowed, but he still seemed mostly focused on picking through his food. "I know that story well too."

"Are we playing a game now of whose life is worse?" She asked through her clenched jaw.

He motioned for her to continue, still eating his food, but more intrigued now and she continued. Even though she started off with the fact that Ned admitted he was with someone else, Rick's leading questions got her to open up about the argument that preceded him walking out on her, and the weeks before that where they spent living like strangers under the same roof following the loss of their child.

After an hour of pouring her heart out while eating the rest of her food, she was a complete mess. It hurt to remember it all. It hurt more to speak about it, it hurt to feel the pain of it all, and worse she still loved Ned more than anything or anyone.

"So, I want a divorce," she concluded and tried to not meet his eyes. Katie knew that Rick was staring at her intensely with an expression that might've actually resembled pity. She hated it. "Stop staring at me and tell me a divorce lawyer recommendation."

Rick finally leaned back into his worn chair and crossed his arms thoughtfully, food containers long discarded. "I was going to ask whether there was any chance that Ned might've gotten the woman pregnant, but unless his recent turn to faith has given him the powers of the Holy Spirit, the odds of that after a few drunken kisses seems pretty remote." He remarked with a snort, staring at him pointedly.

What was that supposed to mean? She stared at him in astonishment and wondered if she'd heard him right.

Katie took a deep breath to prepare herself to engage in a long string of choice words to throw at Rick's sad excuse of a life as he sat there judging hers, but he stopped her by digging out a bottle of whiskey and two glasses from his bottom drawer.

"Keep your insults to yourself and drink this," he poured liquor into both glasses before handing one to her. "I can see why you're here now. Melinda and Jim both would've told you that you don't end a marriage because you have one blowout fight. No matter how bad."

She gaped at him and then drank all of the whiskey before saying anything she regretted. "Did you listen to a word I said? This is more than one stupid blowout fight, Rick." She scoffed and set the glass down.

He poured more whiskey into her glass. "You are your father's daughter. Sometimes I wondered if there was any Jim in you besides the sheer coincidence that you are taller than Melinda because everything else is the same."

She picked up the glass and sipped on it with the hope of simmering her anger. "Shut up, Rick," she muttered.

"So you have a fight. Ned got drunk in a bar and made out with a girl, but stopped himself. Something… something… blah. Blah. I heard you loud and clear, but you want a divorce out of anger, or jealousy, or maybe hurt. Tell me you haven't thought about it once or twice to convince me or better still, go back home and make up with Blondie." He eyed his drink the entire time he ranted before taking a large drink of it.

Katie had to withhold herself from punching him square in the nose. "There was this one math teacher when she had been working as a student-teacher and he was..," she trailed off as she thought about him and how easily his arm had slid around her waist when he'd tried to kiss her, but remembered how just as easily her arm pushed out to stop him. "He was very nice to look at and he tried to kiss me, but I stopped him and I wasn't even married to Ned back then. I loved him then and I still love him, but I can't do it anymore."

Rick glared at her as he sipped on his second drink and she stood up. "You're just like the rest of them. Just like Kate. You judge us the moment we do anything wrong and won't reconcile, but you can do god knows whatever you want to us and we have to forgive you."

She stared at him and without a word, threw the drink in his face before turning toward the door with her purse in hand. "You're just a lonely asshole, Rick. Fuck you."

He wiped his face, but his shirt was ruined and he raised his own drink in the air. "And you're a divorce away from being a lonely asshole too." He replied smugly. "Do you know how many drinks your mother has thrown in my face? It's nice to see she passed that trait onto you as well."

Katie yanked the door open and slammed it behind her on the way out, but her anger had dissipated into a feeling of helplessness. The last thing she wanted was to end up being like Rick.

* * *

By the time she arrived home, Ned had been waiting for over an hour, but he didn't have anywhere else to go. He was sitting on the front steps, rubbing his hands together to keep them warm, and Katie froze in her place when she saw him.

It was so cold he could see the sigh his wife released. "How long have you been out here?" She asked.

"Not too long, but it's damn cold." He said, trying to play it off. "Can I come in?"

She stood there for a moment, probably measuring the pros and cons between letting him and leaving him out here to freeze, and he didn't blame her. "Sure," she said and moved forward with her keys in hand.

Katie unlocked the front door and he followed her in. He quietly watched as she took off her coat and yanked her heels from her feet before heading into the kitchen. He shrugged his own coat off as she put her purse on the island along with her work files and opened the freezer.

He made his way in there slowly as she pulled out the gin and olives. He'd never seen her this way, not even in the worst moments after Charlie.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

She met his worried gaze with her own apprehensive one. "If we're going to talk then I'm going to need a martini or two," she muttered as she began to mix herself a drink. "But do go on, I have all the time in the world."

He deserved that too. "I'm sorry. I really am." He didn't know what else to say. There were no excuses for him to make when he'd betrayed her. No matter how small. "I wish I could take it all back."

"It's not that simple," she sighed, sipping her martini. "You cannot just apologize and hope everything is magically fixed."

"I know that. I want to put in the work to fix this… to fix us," he said and walked over to stand beside her, but he still felt as though she was miles away from him. "I'm willing to do whatever you need me to do. I love you, Katie."

He took a leap of faith and placed his palm over the top of hers where it rested on the counter. She didn't pull away and in the silence of the room, he could hear how shaky her breathing was while she finished drinking her martini to calm herself.

That could mean two things. She still loved him or was truly done, and Ned hated that he'd put them in this situation. It was truly all his fault.

"I know what you're thinking and I'm not a monster. Do you realize how hard it has been for me to think about you with another woman?" She confessed, turning to look at him with angry tears in her eyes. "A few drunken kisses or sex in the backseat of your car, you betrayed me in the one way that I thought you would never do, and I just need some time to process it."

"Katie," he began.

She cut him off with a glare, and that was all she had ever needed to do. "I'm not finished. You're the one who walked out on me for three days. You hurt me when I was at my lowest, and I'm sorry that you're hurting now, but to quote Merideth Grey, I don't apologize for how I choose to repair what you broke." She explained, tears rolling down her face. "You can sleep on the couch until you can find somewhere more permanent and I'll even hold off on filing anything official, but like I said before I can't pretend to be okay anymore. I love you, I do, but I need space."

It took him a second to control his expression, but in that one second and how her eyes glanced over him, he could see that she saw the incredulity, the anger, the unhappiness her words had caused him.

"I'm sorry… I don't think that there is anything else to say for now," she replied, her tone devoid of any emotion. "Goodnight."

As he watched her walk away and then rush up the stairs, he sunk onto the ground sobbing and crying out for Katie and Charlie. He waited for the relief to come. He waited for his lungs to allow him to breathe again, for him to forget about his wife and their dead baby and to start a new life.

But all that came to him, as the silence of the house accentuated the sound of his sobbing, as his calls remained unanswered, was the sudden and entombing knowledge that he may now be totally and devastatingly alone in the world. And he knew, with increasing ferocity, that he was mainly at fault for betraying the only woman who had ever truly loved him.

* * *

**A/N: I totally was blasting Drivers License by Olivia Rodrigo while I wrote this. Oops xx Mariah**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Love You Anymore by Michael Buble is an unappreciated bop of a song. Just saying. I had it on repeat while writing this, along with some Lea Michele love ballads from her latest album Places. She just makes me feel all the feels. Hope you all enjoy xx Mariah**

* * *

The aroma of fresh coffee brewing roused Katie from her restless sleep. She had tossed and turned all night again, and welcomed the excuse to get out of bed. She climbed out and made her way towards the kitchen, and found Delia standing at the stove cooking eggs. The sun had barely started to rise outside and spring was already starting to close in, and the mornings were getting brighter and warmer. But the last person she'd expected to see was Delia Banks cooking breakfast food in her kitchen.

Katie didn't have anything to do today besides grade homework and hadn't planned on seeing Ned's mother unless she had to.

Especially after how she'd left things with him the night before. But maybe that was why her mother-in-law was here and she decided not to say anything out of the ordinary when she saw her. She practically made a beeline to the coffee pot and when she felt Delia's eyes on her, her body clammed up.

"Good morning, honey," Delia said and Ned snuck up behind and brushed past her in the fog of her waking up and anxiety from being around his mother as she poured herself a large cup of black coffee from the pot on the counter.

"Morning. You didn't have to make food, ma," he said, smiling slightly. "But thank you."

He was in his street uniform with his tool belt ready to go and she had to stop herself twice from glancing over at him before she finally opened the fridge to grab her coffee creamer.

Delia's icy glare towards her could kill as she sipped her coffee and made to leave the room. "Of course I did. Someone had to."

Ned coughed as he slightly choked on his eggs he'd begun to eat. "Stop. Mom. Just stop."

"Stop what?" Delia sounded more confused than angry and Katie turned back around slowly, curious. "I took your side Ned because your my son and then when three days passed I started to see Katie's side of it all, but now I'm just lost. What the hell is going on?"

She took a sip of her coffee as she glanced at her husband. "Are you going to tell her or am I going to have to?" She asked.

"Tell me what?" Delia asked.

She bit back the witty, but mostly rude remark she had wanted to say with a sip of hot coffee and Ned fessed up under pressure. He always did.

"I cheated on Katie."

Delia had never been good at hiding her shock, but when she glanced over at her all she saw was the pity in the woman's eyes, and Katie turned around and left the room as tears began to fill her eyes. She was so sick of crying. She was sick of crying over Ned.

She walked upstairs and set her coffee on her bedside table when her phone began to vibrate. She grabbed it as she sat back down on the bed and answered after she saw it was Detective Blair. For the first time in Katie's life, she could use a ghostly distraction.

* * *

Delia's high pitched "WHAT?!" rang through the house.

Ned wanted to slam his head into the wall as he gripped the side of the counter and watched as Katie left him in the mess he'd created. "Mom, c'mon! Calm down and just listen to me!" He sighed. "It's more complicated than you know."

"What's complicated? After everything that's happened, you left your wife and cheated on her?" His mother said aggressively. "And now you're moving out?! I thought you said things were going to be okay?"

"Things are going to be okay." He was staring down at the ground. Then, more quietly. "Probably. Katie just needs time and space. I'm giving it to her."

"This isn't happening." Delia shrugged her shoulders definitively. "This just isn't going to happen."

Ned shook his head. He was sitting down now at the island, staring at the wall, while his mother paced around him.

"You two… Ned, you know I may have had my opinions in the beginning, but you and Katie... you've loved each other for years. Way before you knew that you loved each other. You should've seen the way you two looked at each other. So many years ago…"

"I know, mom. I know. Of course, I still love her!" He had to control himself from yelling, but he raised his voice slightly. "I've loved her for a long time. I love her more than anything."

"Then you can't let this go." Delia sat down across from him. Her eyes were intense as she leaned forward, trying to capture his attention. "You can't just give up, honey."

But Ned's attention was on Katie, even if she wasn't there. He was scanning through memories in his head, through images of her at different points throughout the years. None of this made sense. They'd taken so long to start their relationship and then once they finally got there, they both agreed that it didn't make sense that they'd waited so long. Except for obvious reasons.

He sighed. "I'm not giving up, mom." He looked at his watch. "I just have to get to work. Promise me you won't start anything or say anything rude to Katie." His mother nodded, but then leaned back in her chair. She was seemingly calmer. Which was not good. "No. What are you doing?"

Delia narrowed his eyes and looked at him as if she was confused. "What do you mean?"

"Your face. You're being normal. Or trying to be normal. That's not like you," he said, crossing his arms. "What are you thinking?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Ned," Delia shrugged, trying to hide the smile that was forming on her face. "Go to work."

Ned reasoned that he had to go to work rather than figure out whatever his mother was trying to hatch her mind. "Mom, no plotting. Promise me."

"I can't make any promises about that," Delia said, pressing a kiss to his cheek as she walked up to hug him before he left. "You know better than that."

* * *

Ned tried to keep his head down the three times he had to go to the precinct that day. He mostly had been on patrol, which was easy enough to do after enough years on the force, but being in a room full of detectives was a hard place to be when he was going through a tough time.

Somehow he made it through until the end of the day when Jamison finally asked him. "What's up with you lately, Banks. I know that you and Katie have had a rough year..."

"Jamison, stop." He took a deep breath, trying to ignore how closely his partner was watching him. "Katie and I are taking a break."

"Wait," a rookie cut in. One with a name that Ned couldn't even remember. "So does this mean she's back on the market?"

"What? No." Ned knew he was making a face. "Don't you even fucking dare. I'll kill you."

Jamison was still looking at him, all but ignoring the interruption. "Shut up, Keith. Leave Ned alone. What do you mean you're taking a break? What happened?"

Ned sighed again. "We're separating. At least, for now. I'm looking for an apartment."

"I don't understand-"

Katie walked into the room then, effectively shutting Jamison up and they all turned to look at her. Sergeant Sam Blair followed in behind her.

"Hey, if you're looking for something to do on Friday night, I'm free," Keith offered, having gotten up from his seat to stand in front of his wife.

"What? Gross," Katie replied. She was making a disgusted face, but it clearly hadn't dawned on her that Ned had mentioned their situation. "Why would I be-"

"Ned said you're single," Keith said, winking. "The offer is always on the table though babe."

He groaned. "Oh my god. That's not what I said."

Katie turned to him, betrayal clear on her face. "You told them already? I thought we agreed to keep this between us and our family for now."

"Told them what?" This time it was his captain that spoke and Letrai walked toward the cluster of people. "What's going on here?"

Ned turned toward his captain and took a deep breath. "Sir… Katie and I are separating. Temporarily." He tried not to notice the pointed glance she tossed in his direction,

Josh's expression did not falter, but he looked between the two of them. "I… don't believe I understand. You're… separating?"

"Temporarily," he reminded him.

His captain's glance flickered between the two of them silently. They both stared back, unsure of what to say and unwilling to break the strange dynamic until he allowed it. "My office," Josh commanded sternly.

They followed him in and sat down across from him. Ned had sat next to Katie on the other side of that desk several times, for years. He knew that she'd never scooted her chair further away from him when she sat down. But she did now.

In the privacy of his office, Josh showed a little more concern. His expression softened, albeit barely, when he spoke again. "I know it isn't my place, but may I ask why?"

Ned looked at Katie. She kept his gaze for a moment before dropping her head down to stare at the floor. She wasn't going to answer for him. That's okay. He didn't mind. He probably didn't want to hear her answer, anyway.

He took the lead. "We just needed a little space, sir."

Josh looked him over but then focused in on his wife, whose eyes were still trained on the floor in front of her. "Katie, are you okay?"

She quickly met his eyes, but then glanced back down toward the table. "Um… yes, Josh, I'm fine. It's just been a long couple of days."

His captain stared at her a moment longer, then nodded to no one in particular. Letrai opened the drawer in front of him and pulled out a pad of paper. He began scrawling something down. He peeled off the piece of paper and slid it toward them.

Ned and Katie reached for it at the same time. Their hands collided right before they touched the paper, and both recoiled quickly. It was as if they touched a hot stove, like how someone reacted when there was a spider in front of them that they hadn't noticed. He scooted his chair away, signaling to her that she could grab the paper.

Josh watched the entire interaction through narrowed eyes. "It might be good for the two of you to meet with the person I wrote down. She helped my mom and dad a great deal."

"Thank you." Katie looked up at him and offered a weak smile.

They were all quiet for a moment. Ned had joined her in looking down at the floor. He was closing himself off a little further every moment. Where once he had a feeling of relief when he got to see her, even just in short bursts, he felt worse each time. She was awkward around him. Not awkward in the typical Katie sense, but awkward in the she-can't-stand-to-be-around-him-but-didn't-want-to-hurt-his-feelings sense. Ironic, considering he had already hurt all of her feelings. He could still feel Letrai's eyes on him.

"Again, I know it's really none of my business... but for what it's worth, I think you really complement one another well, and I can tell that you love each other," Josh said simply, pausing for a moment. "Even now." He sighed. "And at the risk of sounding cheesy, I think that you are capable of overcoming any obstacle that comes your way if you put forth the effort."

"Thank you," Katie repeated.

Ned stayed silent. Again.

"Katie, you can go. I'm sure whatever Sergeant Blair needed you for is still of importance." His captain turned back toward him, all business. "Banks, I need you to stay here. Quick briefing."

His wife quickly shuffled out of the room without another word. Ned rolled his eyes at the floor. The two of them sat in silence for a moment before he cleared his throat and looked up. "So what case is this briefing on, Captain?"

Josh studied him for a moment before speaking. "Are you okay, Ned?"

Suddenly feeling extra scrutinized, Ned leaned back in his chair. He was trying to give off the image that he was fine, that everything was fine. His voice gave him away. It was higher than normal. If that hadn't been enough, it cracked right in the middle of his words. "What? Of course, I'm peachy. What?"

Josh raised an eyebrow. "I don't know what's happening between you two… I know the obvious reasons for certain… things… but I want to be here if you need someone to talk to. I know Katie hasn't seemed like herself in weeks. Let me know if I can help in any way, son."

Ned had reverted to looking back down, but at the end of his sentence, he snapped his head back up to look at him. He held his eye contact for a moment but didn't say anything. He swallowed. For some reason, this was what was sending him over the edge.

Ned desperately wanted to get up and leave the room, to escape to a case, any case, but no matter how many times he tried to stand, he couldn't get his body to cooperate with his thoughts. "Thank you, sir. That's-" His voice cracked again, so he stopped talking. He leaned forward, pressing his elbow on the desk and resting his chin on his palm. He squeezed his eyes shut tight.

"Do you need to take the day?" Josh asked.

Ned took a deep breath, eyes still closed, before opening his eyes and pushing himself up out of the chair all in one motion. "Nope. I need this distraction. Thank you though, Captain."

He watched as Letrai nodded, standing up to join him. He walked around the edge of the desk and clapped his hand on his back gently. Ned took another deep breath before turning to leave the room.

* * *

Katie was feeling more and more drained as the day went on. Most of her day she spent cooped up in Blair's office looking at different pieces of evidence from a cold case that the sergeant was hoping to get a lead on. All did was give her graphic visions she couldn't quite piece together and a headache by the time she got up to leave.

"I'm sorry I couldn't give you anything definitive, Sergeant," she sighed, grabbing her purse. "I'll call you if I see or think of anything new."

"Please do. I could use a lead," Sam said leaning back into her chair. "However, if you need someone to talk to about that mess that happened earlier I'm always here and always have a bottle of wine in my fridge."

She tried to brush it off with a smile. "Maybe I'll take you up on that someday, but I'm coping for now. It's been a rough year." She said, pulling the door open. "Have a good day, Sergeant." She twisted her wedding ring uncomfortably on her finger as she walked. What was the goal, here? She kept flashing back to all those times that she had to sleep without Ned. Every night that she was in New York City had felt like her own personal hell. She had loved it, loved the city, loved her school, but she was alone. She was away from her family and she couldn't see him, and sometimes she couldn't even speak to him as often as she wanted to.

Somehow, video chatting was even worse. She could see him but wasn't able to touch him. She could talk to him, but she couldn't _have_ him. He was so close, yet so far, and it somehow hurt her more than having no contact with him at all. She couldn't reach through the screen to comfort him. She couldn't ruffle her fingers through his hair and press a kiss against his jaw, the way she always did when he was hurting. He'd look down at her with that goofy grin, then wrap his arms around her so tight that she could feel the ghost of them there long after he'd pulled them away.

But now, she'd willingly sent him away. And it didn't hurt. Not as much as he'd hurt her.

She felt relieved, almost. How fucking awful. How terrible was she to basically turn her back on the man who loved her the most, who loved her through everything, who promised her that he would always be there for her, and kept that promise? She had been the one who was closed off and couldn't handle her own emotions enough to try and comfort him. She pushed him so far away and right into another woman's arms.

It was her worst nightmare come true.

Katie couldn't say the d-word. She wasn't suggesting that they should get divorced, not yet, but what else did she mean by all of this? She didn't know what she wanted, all she knew was that she could feel how good the change felt around her after last night.

This was normal though, right? Couples went through things like this. It was just a hard time. Just a rough patch. It wouldn't last forever, and when it passed, they'd be stronger than ever. Should she be doing something, though? She just didn't have the energy to figure out what she should be doing to try to fix her marriage. Things just felt so unnatural, lately. She knew what caused it, but she didn't know how to resolve it and that didn't change when she ran into a familiar face on the sidewalk.

"Katie? What are you still doing here? I would've thought you left by now." Jamison said, moving her out of the way of the door before it swung open and hit her.

Great. So much for avoiding confrontation.

"Jamison!" Her voice was higher than she actually wanted it to be. "I'm, uh… just leave Sam's office. She needed a favor from me."

He had been smiling before, but his expression faltered at this. "I see... I know this is none of my business..."

This was a repeating occurrence today, but she swallowed her pride and kept quiet. She had been looking at the ground, but when she looked back up, she saw that his eyes were trained on her hands, where she was still uncomfortably twisting her wedding ring. When she stopped twisting it, his eyes immediately flashed to her face. He looked concerned, but above that, he looked sad.

"How have you been, Katie?" He finally asked after a long pause.

"Is that everyone's favorite question now?" She twisted her ring again for a second but caught herself when Ned's partner's eyes fell back upon her hand. She knew exactly how that looked, and judging by his expression, he knew exactly what she was thinking when she was doing it. "You know, it's been a tricky few weeks." She shrugged her shoulders. "What has Ned told you?"

He shrugged, too. "Not much. We usually don't get too personal on the clock."

Katie nodded, then leaned forward as if she was going to take a step away, but then leaned back and firmly planted herself on her heels. "It's not my place to tell his side of the story," she said quietly. "But hopefully things work out. I still love him."

Jamison nodded. "He still loves you too. That much I know," he replied and gave her shoulder a squeeze on his way back into the precinct.

She sighed. Ned loving her had never been the problem, but he didn't know that.


End file.
